Diary Entry No. 10 :
Nightmares
Dear Diary,
I just had a nightmare again... it was about my life after the release of the ACCOUNTING GRADE. This is not the first time though, this is unfortunately the FOURTH TIME now since Wednesday (if I didn’t lost count), since "that" awful teacher --eyebrows raised high-- with a fully decided facial expression told me that my academic career in my current school IS over. She didn't even bother to compute my grade, or to look for possibilities. Or to at least be kinder to me, and be the educator I assumed her to be. I know I can accept everything, but definitely NOT this way.
Hell, yeah. Definitely not this way.
I’ve been miserable for days now. I stare blankly at my accounting books for hours, I listen to music but still end up crying, and I’ve been hearing the same words that came from her mouth in my head, like there’s no other thing that mattered in this world other than the sound of her voice. I don’t want to move, I don’t want to eat... and I can't even picture a brighter future now. It feels like I lost a part of me. I have a lot of questions circling in my mind. Those same questions that had further tore my dreams apart. I desperately need time to be alone, to find the part of me that was lost. I am wretched, and I know I can't go on if I can't fix that huge hole that was knocked out from my chest. I hate disappointments, I hate goodbyes. And I am most certainly afraid of failures and heartaches. I don't want to face a new day. I am afraid what it might bring, the costs of having to accept a thing you feared the most. And what did it made me? Just a bitter individual with an enormous amount of hate in his heart.
And it was the same nightmare, over and over again. Just as I’m about to close my eyes, terror dominates my body. I want to sleep, to believe that this is all just a dream. But the pain just hurts so much for me to realize that all of these things are true. It was the same scenery, a classroom with chairs disarranged. The room was all unfamiliar to me. The curtains are all tied-up and the wind was blowing wildly through the window. I was alone, with no one to talk to. I was staring at my laptop, and saw my grades there. It was way too worse. Not as good as I possibly imagined it to be. I was crying badly, like my life is over. It was so real, I can feel the heartache. The door opened, and then people began entering the empty room. They looked at their grades in my laptop. They were rejoicing, they were laughing so loud that my eardrums throbbed at the thud of their screams. I moved. I was crying all alone, in the corner of that unfamiliar room, like none of them seemed to notice me, like my presence wasn’t wanted anymore. What appeared to be a blissful picture turns out to be the most painful one -- the sight of my friends contented with the results. I should be happy for them right? But why does it feel like I’m all selfish and miserable and self-centered and all fed-up? This is so not me. I started to cover my face with my hands. My hands were wet. I am sweating all over and my shirt was soaking. Probably because of the heat in that miniature room. I tried not to look at them, those same questions endlessly rotating in my mind… again and again.
Then someone patted my shoulder, telling me everything will be fine in no time. I tried to glance to look at who that person was. I can’t recognize him; I think I never saw him before. My eyes were drenched with tears that I find it difficult to picture the moving figure. I wiped my tears with my clammy hands and started to look up once again. The features in his face started to be clear… his mouth, his nose. I tried to wipe my face with my shirt to have a clearer vision. And just in time when I can already see plainly the man that was standing beside me, I woke up without seeing his face.
Genuinely yours,
-Jomie
I just had a nightmare again... it was about my life after the release of the ACCOUNTING GRADE. This is not the first time though, this is unfortunately the FOURTH TIME now since Wednesday (if I didn’t lost count), since "that" awful teacher --eyebrows raised high-- with a fully decided facial expression told me that my academic career in my current school IS over. She didn't even bother to compute my grade, or to look for possibilities. Or to at least be kinder to me, and be the educator I assumed her to be. I know I can accept everything, but definitely NOT this way.
Hell, yeah. Definitely not this way.
I’ve been miserable for days now. I stare blankly at my accounting books for hours, I listen to music but still end up crying, and I’ve been hearing the same words that came from her mouth in my head, like there’s no other thing that mattered in this world other than the sound of her voice. I don’t want to move, I don’t want to eat... and I can't even picture a brighter future now. It feels like I lost a part of me. I have a lot of questions circling in my mind. Those same questions that had further tore my dreams apart. I desperately need time to be alone, to find the part of me that was lost. I am wretched, and I know I can't go on if I can't fix that huge hole that was knocked out from my chest. I hate disappointments, I hate goodbyes. And I am most certainly afraid of failures and heartaches. I don't want to face a new day. I am afraid what it might bring, the costs of having to accept a thing you feared the most. And what did it made me? Just a bitter individual with an enormous amount of hate in his heart.
And it was the same nightmare, over and over again. Just as I’m about to close my eyes, terror dominates my body. I want to sleep, to believe that this is all just a dream. But the pain just hurts so much for me to realize that all of these things are true. It was the same scenery, a classroom with chairs disarranged. The room was all unfamiliar to me. The curtains are all tied-up and the wind was blowing wildly through the window. I was alone, with no one to talk to. I was staring at my laptop, and saw my grades there. It was way too worse. Not as good as I possibly imagined it to be. I was crying badly, like my life is over. It was so real, I can feel the heartache. The door opened, and then people began entering the empty room. They looked at their grades in my laptop. They were rejoicing, they were laughing so loud that my eardrums throbbed at the thud of their screams. I moved. I was crying all alone, in the corner of that unfamiliar room, like none of them seemed to notice me, like my presence wasn’t wanted anymore. What appeared to be a blissful picture turns out to be the most painful one -- the sight of my friends contented with the results. I should be happy for them right? But why does it feel like I’m all selfish and miserable and self-centered and all fed-up? This is so not me. I started to cover my face with my hands. My hands were wet. I am sweating all over and my shirt was soaking. Probably because of the heat in that miniature room. I tried not to look at them, those same questions endlessly rotating in my mind… again and again.
Then someone patted my shoulder, telling me everything will be fine in no time. I tried to glance to look at who that person was. I can’t recognize him; I think I never saw him before. My eyes were drenched with tears that I find it difficult to picture the moving figure. I wiped my tears with my clammy hands and started to look up once again. The features in his face started to be clear… his mouth, his nose. I tried to wipe my face with my shirt to have a clearer vision. And just in time when I can already see plainly the man that was standing beside me, I woke up without seeing his face.
Genuinely yours,
-Jomie